A quoi je pense??

i’ve just watched the film, and interestingly it’s a direct throw-back to an incredible bit of film I saw earlier which a beloved friend sent me…

Check this out
www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

Then think on this leitmotiv from Crash (my paraphrase cos I can’t rmb it word 4 word):
In other cities people brush past each other, here, we never touch, we stay behind glass and metal. We’re so far apart that we crash into one another just to touch each other, just to feel something.

I mean, how real is that, how many times a day do both the film and the video slam distance and need for love into our faces!!

We were ‘wired’ (see The Blokes’ Bible by Dave Hopwood) by some1 whose whole focus is love. We were made by a just saviour God who loves regardless of appearances of any kind or of past of any magnitude. He is the inventor of unbiased equal ops. He’s the ultimate lover of each and every one of our souls. Why are we ever surprised that the first thing under attack by the fear and anger that entered the world seems to be love? The real stuff I mean, true love, love with no strings attached, love free for whoever will have it, love that is blind, knows no colours, accents, histories, prejudices or preconceptions, love that is ready and eager to see all expectations proved wrong unless they are pure and unadulterated hope for the best.

I am a shoddy work right now, unfinished and faltering, needy and quite selfcentered, and yet I know I am loved, and well loved, by my God and King. I’m not His Daughter for nothing. I may be in rags right now, looking rather unlike the royal robes I’ve muddied and riped through the gorse, but I’m me under the scars. Even covered in camo-paint, I’m still me, beautiful, sparkling, alive, with that red stuff pulsing through my veins, that stuff He shed for me and transfused to make me His.

I often say I don’t believe in co-incidences. I’d rather call them God-incidences. Dave Hopwood, in his book, has a brilliant way of turning that on it’s head… ‘Co-incidences are God’s way of remaining anonymous’. I loved it.

Last Wednesday I set off from the airport (Guy’s flow out to visit Mom for a bit) and rang the YHA where I’d thought I’d like to sleep to find it full. So I sat about and pondered. London was my top option with various people I could invade but then I decided ‘people free’ was the night for me… I got onto a coach to Bath.
No schedule, no agenda, no timetable, no restrictions… Stopped off and treated myself to a fishy meal in a GORGEOUS restaurant (1 Fish 2 Fish, I recommend), climbed a big hill, called my daddy who paid my YHA bill for me since I’ve forgotten my card pin adn blocked it, and after a nice natter to dad, I turned in and thanked Dad that I was and He held me.
On Thursday I took my time. Enough said. On Friday I headed to Lee Abbey with Mo to meet Dith and Miss-guided.
Lee Abbey was God-sent. The lady who treated me to it is such a very very bright shining Star!! Merci Princesse! From 1 Daughter to another, you are beautiful and I thank you for the oportunity for rest you handed me. God got a few things done but as I say, I’m still shoddy right now.

Colyn fed me on Tuesday before cell Thou shineth brightly, verily! and Daniel cooed til I couldn’t pay attention to much else. During the worship time we wrote stuff, reponding to God. I told Him how it. Crap. Safe but crap. In His arms but buffeted and worse for wear… It seems what I said fit into our coming women’s weekend and I need to share it. I could probably read out a psalm but for my ommition to ask God to smite anyone.

Yesterday I headed into town to do my shopping (needed groceries) and when I got there I changed direction and bought some Thornton’s posh chocolates, a book about a woman’s cycle journey round the Earth and took a seat in my fave pub with a cup of their yummy hot choc!!
M invited me out to lunch and treated me. Star!

Today, here I am, still aware of days worth of turmoil inside me. The quiet piano stream I found online the other day is quite soothing. Reality is outside a thin glass window looking at me knowingly. At least the house isn’t empty as Lys and Rab keep me company by spending the night. Coming back to an empty house is unbelievably hard. Guy’s left a bigger gap than I reckon he’s aware of. I wonder if he understands how much I miss him. He’s a good little brother you know. Well all my crew are incredible. Guy’s still been around longest for me.
Tonight I rest easy though. He’s with Mom. I’m with a best mate. The piano stream’s playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Maybe I’m not fighting for once. Maybe I’ve finally put up my hands in surrender. We’ll see in the morning shall we.
Hold me Jesus!!

How I wonder what you are….

I’ve tought of so many things to write over the past few weeks. Use of time and being away have meant that until Thursday I didn’t get a chance.
Then on Friday I tried to get onto the net and guess what, the router played up!!! Standard procedure, it got turned off (not my doing for once) on Wednesday night and of course (!!!) it lost its ability to connect me to the outside world.

That was part of my stress on Saturday.

As some of you may know, I am meant to be in France.
Crap crap crap!!

I’m frazzled.

Saturday was as close as I’ve come to a nervous breakdown in a long while. I’ve lost my cool here and there, but I was on edge for about 4hours, 2 of which I spent either in tears on on the verge of… Nice show when I was in the middle New Street with swelling crowds of Villa fans as well as unsuspecting travellers. I was well looked after by a handfull of star lads!! Cheers boys. If you were on the phone to me, you know… and taken back home by Colyn and Daniel for food and TLC. It was nice to be, nothing else. I went to bed so tired, I couldn’t articulate the way I felt.

I got it in 1 Sunday when some1 asked and I replied I felt like I’d used up a week’s worth of energy in 4h. Truly!! I’m actually not quite sure how I forced myself to join Church on Sunday morning. I nearly decided not to go so so so many times. I suppose that beyond all things I know that family is the only true refuge of any concequence. It doesn’t matter what state one is in, it remains home…

I’ve actually spent most of the past 3 days in Colyn’s company or at theirs. They’re such stars.
Their parents were there the weekend so I’ve had time with them too.
And A’s was there on Sat eve, then we were at her’s on Sunday. Smiles are due.

Oh and Lysette’s been looking after me.
Goodness! God knows she has sheltered me more than I can say. She was meant to be housesitting, instead she’s done the washing up and helped me and we’ve watched some films or supped tea and sat about a bit.

I’ve received an amazing gift, last week it arrived. I cried when I found it. God knew just what was needed… Thank you Father for the presie. I’m sorry I’ve not been completely good with it, but I’ve done well by my untrustworthy standards and been nearly all good.
Money. Direct into my account. WOW!
Some’s paid off a debt, some bought presies, some is sat in my account, some bought me a skirt, and finally a 3rd of it went on buying Euros for the journey I didn’t make on Saturday. I’ll just hang on to those until November when I go to see Claire.

I’m not in a good place people…. Really really. I’m hoping that this and next weekend, both to be spent primarily with women, have been appointed for this time… Problem being it’s day to day that needs the overhaul. The slope is on a routine/habits level and that’s where I slip. No solution so far. Nothing that’s lasted more than a few hours anyhow. And if I’m not in 1 piece the I have no chance of fielding Guy moments like last week or Saturday afternoon. Not a sausage! Not a bean! No way!

How manyn times, languages and registers am I meant to articulate the word HELP before I get something that is going to be day in day out until I can stand firm on my own again? Who do I ask? I’ve not figured any of that yet.

Before I sign out, a Nina or Teresa link:

www.taize.fr/en_rubrique45.html