A quoi je pense??

I’ve been on another rollercoaster ride or two since my last log.

Saturday I managed to coax Guy out of bed and the house and into the Leather Museum only to watch him sit on the floor in the corner and then after sitting briefly, setting out homewards. I got annoyed and told him to go and that I wasn’t going to stop him and spent a very nice rest of the day making a mask and a half. I needed the craft time and I’m glad I just let him do whatever. Really frustrated that he wasted the money when there’s usually a 5 or more person waiting list for these courses. Rang him at lunchtime and he was up and active. I’m really really struggling and don’t know who to ask for what again. He’s downstairs talking to thin air and short of calling the emergency crew and the hospital taking him back I see nothing whatsoever but I don’t like the idea of sending him. I’ve not had the energy the last 2 nights when I’ve been home. Tonight either. I feel cornered, that there should be another option and that we’re being deprived of it and that’s quite frustrating. So far, I’m insufficiently focused to pray so I’m running on earthbound wisdom again. This is all quite ridiculous when God can do the most incredible stuff.

I made it to cell this evening for the first time in ages and the second time in nearly 6 weeks. It was great, like Sunday was, and I felt nicely out of it on a certain level, and gagged though I’m only just realising that, so that I never said a word about Guy, about how very bad he is, how worn out I am, how once again the only thing carrying me through is God’s grace through my work colleagues and maybe even our kids who are nearly adorable at the moment. Not good to be truthful. Not good at all.

I thoroughly enjoyed salsa on saturday evening. I had mostly made my mind up to go and really fancied it and finally I called and left a message and the organiser got back to me and we figured I’d get a lift home. Once that hurdle was flat on the ground I rang for bus times and phone a couple of trustee nights in shining armour. One came to my rescue, fab bloke that he is, and drove me down… And I’m so so very glad I went. I’m beginning to get the hang of it, we did a couple of hours practice with a DJ playing songs then the band came on and I danced 4 salsa and one other dance. I now feel a complete fool for not having gone out of my way years ago to finally get back on a dance floor. I’ve missed it more than I can ever say, from the skill and effort and concentration to the movement and physical effort. I’ve rediscovered what it’s like to dance when led and to fall into step with someone else or miserably fail to do so and then fall about laughing instead. I think I smiled throughout the evening. To neatly tie up the night I got a lift back with 2 of the girls I’d not met on Wednesday but that I thought looked familiar and we chatted and had a lovely drive back.

My legs are aching from training yesterday and from deciding to take one of the bikes back by cycling it over… happened to be the one I didn’t use and the saddle is still about 4 inches too low for me if I believe the burning feeling in my poor little legs.

Oh! I’m now the very proud owner of a tandem. Should anyone fancy joining me in taking it for a spin, please do. It is fab!! And it’s a beautiful bright blue to boot.

Can you believe it??

Oh and for the nosey ones who’re wanting to hear more about Fabrice, well…
I could just shut up and let you stew
Nothing to tell really but we’ve chatted and keep in touch. We’ve got some interesting stuff in common. I like the fact he thinks about stuff before deciding what to do with it. I keep wondering what he thinks of me and that makes me feel both insecure and good at the same time which I think is a daft combination.
So there you are, nothing to tell really but I know you were dying to ask.

Finally, I’m very tired just now but oddly enough not falling to sleep. I got to sleep before 1 this morning and woke up some point after 3, gave up on going back to sleep by quarter to 4 and watched Holes curled up in my duvet on the couch. I had a half hour doze to finish off the night before working at 0730, I’ve not been 100% on and off throughout the day but weirdly I’ve only felt tired about twice.
Arghhh!! What is my body up to!! I’m now going to give the old sleep thing a new try. We’ll see!

I thought i’d steal a good name as an appropriate title… Hope that’s ok. Thanks for letting me pilfer it

Feeling rough and on edge. worn out and I’ve just seen the time which certainly won’t help. This lunchtime was tense. This week has had lots of tense moments. Too many for my poor soul.

I’ve had a beautiful time in the Lakes. Beck House is one of my favourite places on Earth and it’s surroundings never cease to please me. I got caught in a blizard atop a mountain with 2 mates on Sunday. Insane fun to tell you the truth Incredible too. And taking the bikes was the best inspired idea for ages.

Coming home to find out that Guy’d taken 10 anti-d tabs in 3 days, well! that was something else. Now have new very small batch. Doc is going for the week at a time approach and I’m not leaving the box at home or telling Guy where it is until he picks up again. They’re not hitting the spot but he’s not telling his doctor.

Oh, and a nice ‘freak out’ trigger: the words ‘God’ or ‘pray’! Not helpful but very telling.

Work is keeping me together again and a couple of sane friends I’ve heard from. I still haven’t sent the email to my pastor which I need to write. I’m not touching base properly. In bits yeah, but not fully at any time, only ever in dribs and drabs.

Oh, loved this week’s iTunes song and bought the album on a whim… Not bought an album on the spot like that for ages. Still waiting to get some of the awesome music I want from this time last year and before that. Justin Nokuza for those of you who may be interested.

Now Playing, something completely different: Satisfied by Brown Bear Music. I really should listen more!!!!

On that note, I must to bed lest I drop part way through tomorrow’s Leather workshop: Mask making

My bedroom faces east.
This morning and quite often I lie in bed with the sun shining through the window. One of the bedrooms in Mom’s old house used to as well.
I need the sunshine like water and food it seems.
I’ve got a host of things to do from finishing the washing up to tidying my clothes through actually getting dressed and right now feel like doing none of the above in any urgency.
I’ve rediscovered the jukebox on the Sting.com site and it’s playing through my pet aliens (treat from the tax-man for getting my tax returns done and in on time).
I’m in need of God but don’t feel like doing anything about that either.
Here’s the crunch.
Without Him I am nothing. With Him I can do all things. In His presence is fulness of joy. Not by might but by the power of His Spirit… I am most precisely in need of letting His Spirit wash over me and fill every corner of me. He knows this, we’ve spoken about it. He won’t do it until I stay put though. Maybe not sat or stood, not even still, simply with my eyes on Him, my attention given over to seeing and feeling and hearing Him.
But am I prepared to give Him that much of me?
Choice!
Free unhindered choice!
Freedom to belong to Him should actually truly wish, to delight myself in the Lord, or to walk off into a drab and dingey sunset…
Every morning, many times a day, every breath I take I have that choice.

Arise child and awake, open your eyes and see, your ears and hear, reach out and touch, taste and KNOW THAT I AM GOOD.

Chosen and consecrated, Beloved of God…

I need the sun like I need food water and … God

Laters

Love
Dominique

Fanks peeps!! Appreciate comments and prayers and encouragement. Love ya!

Anyhow, said converastion… I had to share:

"MM- I feel fat, I feel soooo fat.
GG- Not yet!
MM- What, you’ve got more chips to feed me?
GG- Possibly.
MM- Ah… Have you seen what I bought Mom for Mothers’ Day?
GG- No.
- Have a look?
- Not now. Greasey paw!
- Well little bear had better eat up his chips or else Goldilocks might come and eat them.
- Hmmm! Yes. Need a tank.
- WHat?! To blow her up?
- No, to give her a lift.
- Right.
GG- She might be dangerous.
MM- I feel fat and bloated.

Guy treated us to fish and chips. His idea, his initiative. He went out in the dark all by himself and feels none the worse for it. Earlier we went to docs together cos he decided he needed an appointment to get more medication as nearly none left.

Need I add more?

I think France was a good thing. I so so doubted my instincts when I decided to ask the docs if Guy could come to France as we’d originally planned and whether they’d release him from Dotty P’s for the occasion. As it is the docs chose to discharge him and get him to come back for checks as an outpatient and our trip to France seems to have perked Guy up.

On observing the past couple of weeks, I’m still real worried about him and I know we’re not arriving yet, but I know the meds are having some effect on certain levels. That is good. He’s less down, still weird but not low. Also, the last wek and a bit more, he’s been good with social time. Even if he didn’t take much part in chatting with visitors, he seemed to be happy to watch and listen, not restless and jumpy like at the hospital. That gives me hope.
Goodness the road is looking long!!

I need to learn to pray all over again I think. I’m feeling less out of victory than yesterday but regaining my awareness of how much God really wants to and can do is entirely up to him. Not by might…
This morning’s preaching by Vic was perfect for me. I so so needed to hear it. I now need to get some practical things into place which will drive me a bit, at least until I gain some momentum.
We sang Halleluyah this morning, and Your love reaches me. Both songs from the same album. One of those albums that has carried my weary soul on my Saviour’s behalf. He’s not the singer to no avail you know. Jesus gives life by the most creative means and stops at nothing. Not at donkeys, not at songs, not for any price. And leaves little buffetted me eternally thankful for his Comfort and Tender Touch.

I’ve got beautiful photos of my beautiful nephew and niece. I may put them on flickr. Seems like the best plan. I haven’t the time just now to figure out how to put the here and Bebo dawdles more than I can put up with.

Finally, the juicy info last of course, I’m wondering wondering pondering about a man… I’m not in love. At least I think not. I know the googoo signs of a blind crush and it’s not that either. Only, I’m captivated and curious. I like him and he likes me and I like that. I’m totally scared on one level and not at all on another. Watch this space I suppose.
Oh and PS: He’s French. Tehee!
I’ve been talking and writing theology in French. Now that’s a feat!! Oh my poor poor brain! I need that inexistant cross-eyed smiley-face again… Who’s going to make it for me??

Night night