A quoi je pense??

Not my words, but I offer them anyhow… Headless chickens don’t write so maybe leaving it to friends is good

The Daughter of the King had struggled far too long in the Pit of Despair. The sinuous black tentacles of the Minions held her brothers incredibly tightly and she had expended almost all of her strength attempting to fend them off and keep both herself and her family safe. Hair ragged and crown long fallen from her head, she was a shadow of her former self. The Daughter clutched her Robe of Righteousness around her as a defence against the continued onslaught of the Minions, but it looked more like filthy rags these days. And she knew it

Occasionally she would send up a distress flare, but the message did not seem to get through. Somehow the urgency of her need made little or no impact on those around her. Those who no-doubt loved her failed to come through for her, but help began to come from the most unexpected sources.

These kind hands stroked her ragged hair and supported her sagging shoulders. They did more than give a kind, but brief, pat on the arm and leave. They stayed and conveyed much needed love. Even then, though, the Minions took these hands and twisted the love, and the Daughter felt more pitiful than before.

The filthy rags could no longer conceal the true vulnerability of this dear child and, finally, she cried out in a voice loud enough for a Soul Sister to hear. Her Sister peered into the Pit, saw the state of her dear one and cried. With her own robe around her, offering some protection, the Soul Sister lay at the edge of the Pit of Despair and sang soothingly to her fallen sibling. The Daughter lifted her head at the gentle words of comfort and advice and, tentatively, reached out her hands towards the Father.

The Father, who had been reaching his hands downwards all the time, grasped His Daughter firmly and protectively and drew her to Himself.

The Minions howled in anger and dismay as they saw their victim being enveloped in the folds of the Father's cloak, close to his heart. Furious, they turned upon the brothers and vented their rage upon them. For a while, things appeared much worse for these poor boys.

In the meantime, however, the Daughter was carried swiftly by the Spirit of the Father to Safe Haven. Here, other Faithful Daughters and Sons ministered to her. They found her crown, replaced its missing gemstones and adorned her now shining hair with it. Her Robe was restored to its former glory, but with one significant difference. A purple thread of Immense Grace now shot through the weave from head to toe, a powerful reminder for the Daughter that she could never fall too far.

The Faithful also heard her words of love and concern for the brothers and they resolved to pray and intercede. These prayers winged their way through the heavens and penetrated the depth of the Pit of Despair. Little by little, as if coating a pearl, they formed a protective layer around the brothers. After some time, the brothers even began to add prayers of their own.

The Minions found the presence of the shining prayer pearls utterly distasteful. Try as they might, they began to find it increasingly impossible to torment the brothers. Eventually, the Minions were so disturbed at the presence of such powerful light and beauty in their Pit that flung the brothers forcefully from amongst them.

With cries of delight, the Father and the Faithful scooped up young Children of the King and bore them joyfully to Safe Haven. The loving ministrations of the Faithful helped them grow and develop into noble Sons of the King. And no minister was more faithful and more loving in her attention to these Sons than their own Sister. A true Daughter of the King, loved, healed and full of compassion, she brought long awaited comfort to their souls.

And there was much rejoicing!!!

So often, the fact that God is near me and near those I pray for has kept me going. When Danny was in the pits, God’s presence was the only thing that kept me from going mad with worry and breaking under the weight of not being able to help at all because him and the others were so far away.
It’s nearly ironic that the roles are now reversed and that after Guy’s moved here and we’ve shared house, fun etc he’s grown poorly and while Dan’s getting so much better Guy seems to spend his time worse.
Even now though, knowing that I’ve handed it over to God again this morning curbs worry and frees me to be me.

I’ve just been on the phone with Fabrice. He’s really tired and beginning to get a migraine. What would I give to be able to hug him and look after him and give him a head massage so he can rest and relax. He’s going to get an hour’s kip. I’ve stopped and prayed. If I were present, knowing what I find soothing if ever my head aches, I’d have put my hands on the sides of his face then I’d have put a hand over his eyes, so I figured that was as good a thing as nay to ask God to do…
Dieu Tout Puissant, Papa, fais connaitre ta presence a Fabrice. Poses tes mains sur ses joues, sur ses tempes, sur son front, ferme ses yeux. Rafraichis-le, reconforte le et benis le avec un sommeil reconstituant. Entoure le de ta paix, qu’il se reveille repose et entierement remis.

So handing my burden over to Jesus has freed me so I spent some time on the phone to Fabrice and could encourage him (aparently I did anyway, not that I thought I did much).

It freed me to be able to do the desk this morning without the odd weary and sad feeling I had stopping my work. It gave me what I needed of God’s resources to tie me over until M prayed for me and then until H came and prayed too and gave me a really good hug.

God knew how much I needed that hug.
Really really!!

Also I was so proud of H for how much she’s grown and matured. She is one true Princess. Thinking back on when I first met her… Thinking back on when she wouldn’t pray out loud unless coaxed. Thinking of the kindness, gentleness, simplicity and power of what she prayer over me earlier on… WOW!!
Wow Wow Wow!!

I’ve been thinking about the walks each of us walk and how we often want to rush the obvious because it sticks out and looks sore to us. Usually God is in fact after something else which is under the surface, much more essential and actually affecting a bigger part of us than what we can see.
It’s hard to ignore the obvious for an underlying matter, really difficult, but it makes all the difference. It is the most powerful thing we can do for ourselves and for those around us.
The matters of consequence of which Le Petit Prince speaks are just that, underlying things that are obscured by the obvious.
I’m working on some underlying things at the moment, and it’s making no apparent sense. All I can do is hang in there and watch and see. God promises the outcomes will be good.
The obvious stuff will unknot itself without my assistance. The underlying stuff will not. So I must keep my eyes on what is important, work on what I find easiest to let slip, and leave it up to God to make sense of it all.
That’s GOOD. I’ve got work to do, but I’m off the hook. FREEDOM is mine!

basically that’s how the past few days have been full.
I’d forgotten how a small amount of overtime can make me tip into tiredness cos I end up sleeping less. I’ve spent lovely ages chatting on skype. That social element, I know, would virtually kill me if I did a full time job. I simply am a part-timer at heart. No apologies to the brave and great out there who work a full 37h or more week, regularly. I like mooching at my own pace and taking my time. Work may be speedy stressy difficult stuff most of the time, but in between, no one should force me to stress unless it’s an emergency. I need enough time to do the chilling out things well.

Last night was fab. The content of it may seem nothing special or a bit overdone, but the fact of it was incredible to me.
‘Social care awards night’ in a function room down at the football club. Nothing extraordinary. But, for 2 reasons at least, it was gold-dust! (though nowadays copper may be a better metal to pick!!)

Last summer I completed and received my certificate for my NVQ 3 in Health and Social Care (Children & Young People). It was a bit of a cinch compared to the old uni essays and reading etc, but some of you will know it means a lot.
For someone who got kicked out of uni for not doing her homework and for failing to finish an essay and then went on to not finish the next couple of courses I was coaxed into, the simple completion of my NVQ is a feat. So when I got this invite to last night’s cheesy awards do, I sent Dad a text and asked him if he’d come and join me.
Well Dad likes football, and he not only said yes, but turned up and missed all but 2 minutes (I do not lie) of the match, to sit with me through 3 speaches and a roll call & certificate presentation of approx 100 people. I must’ve been 80th or so…
I enjoyed myself last night, partly because as far as pomp & circumstance, contrived sorts of things go, well, it was actually quite a good night, with a decent keynote speaker, and also partly because, in having my Dad all to myself for a couple of hours, knowing he’d have really liked to see the match meant I felt even more special and valued.

Back to Skype. I’ve spent a mad amount of time on Skype with Fabrice, which is incredible since it means we can talk and use the chat box if we want to be quiet, then we get distracted by music or whatever & go off on tangents when chatting, all without a bill.
Viva broadband!!
I do like this day and ages for a few things of this description.
Another thanks to skype means I’ve caught up with my cousin, which I’ve not properly done in ages. Msn’s the usual place we catch up in dribs and drabs so hearing her voice and seeing her was lovely. We had a good natter (about an hour in total) and I met her other half, which was a bit weird and totally fab. So our natter included S sending her packing so I could write to S in the chat box and scheme for her birthday party. (BTW: 4 weeks til I go!!)

I’m fascinated by some of the things God’s been doing in me the past few weeks, some He’s made real which I’d either known and forgotten or always been aware of yet not quite understood.
He’s also watching me pick up some pieces with which I never thought I’d be dealing. I’m finding His peace amongst it over and over though it makes not the blindest bit of sense.

I’ve always had a favourite name for God, that has resonated louder than the rest time and time and time again. It seems that even that single name of God truly has a thousand facets.
Once again Emmanuel stands with me in my step by step. He holds His hand out and says: "This is the way, walk in it, only don’t mull over the fact it makes not the blindest bit of sense".
Emmanuel is the One who is with me,
the One who walks by me,
the One who holds me up and keeps me going,
the One who guides me on the mountains tops and in the valleys,
the One whom I trust, beyond all others, present or future, to look out for me and make sure that I will always get back up and that I rarely fall,
the One who truly knows who and where and how I am, understands me and still says "It’s OK! Hope comes in the morning.".

Now, I’m watching my life change, my horizon be re-alligned, yet my north still draws me and makes me face to Hope, Faith and Love…. and the greatest of these is… Love.
I cannot Love well without the King of Love showing me the way, without Him first singing the tune and always singing me the tune, constantly so I can hum along and pass it on.

The song of love I sing is and remains the song of the King of Love, maybe that’s why it sounds so good with so little effort.
I’m finding myself singing to Fabrice and he doesn’t always know. Often even I don’t know it. I can’t explain it, so mostly I don’t even try.
I sing to colleagues and our hurting kids at work. I’m glad to say, some there sing with me, and that is incredible. God knows our kids need a song of Love.
(The Father’s Song)

My friend Ann (colleague) is still very poorly and in need of prayers for healing and hope and more. Please don’t forget her when you spend time with Daddy…

It remains for me to ask that you lot join me in one more prayer:
that Guy would enter back into the Song I sing.

At the moment my love extends to many daily, big and small, near and far, but somehow I hit a wall with him, and I can virtually see the notes of what I would sing hit a wall and trickle down its glazed surface. And that’s before he even gets to hear a sound, because right now, to him, I can barely sing.
And he’s in such pain in all those places I dare not try reach him…
Such agonising pain…
But he won’t cry out for help.

Someone recently lifted my heart and soul by telling me that I found them just in the nick ot time. I guess that deep down they thought it was too late, that hurt was too much and they may as well stop fighting it. I know too many people in that kind of place. Knowing how God can bring freedom makes it all the more frustrating.
Saving a life just in time, I feel like superman, except I can’t do with those tights. I wish I could find Guy in that way, burrow and dig and delve and find him down in what ever depths he wallows.
I don’t get why God can make it so incredibly easy for me to effectively stumble upon some treasures and endlessly meander in search of others. It seems unfair. I suppose perspective makes me lie about what is fair or not.

God knows his job much better than I. Bruce Almighty has that fact pinned to a t.

My oh my I need a neck massage! I blame it on the personal trainer. Who could be so daft… Oh me? Yeah. Sorry no sympathy from self… Serves me right for being that daft.
Still, I’m glad it’s taken over 24h to properly hit me.

Oh bother. Sorry for writing yet another novel!
Well, a little bit sorry…

Just back from a wonderful day with friends.

Travel was easy as I only went part way then got a lift and C was brilliant company and I hope also a new friend.
We received a lovely welcome on arrival. Never mind the weather that stopped us from having a picnic & lounging in the park, our buffet lunch was yummy.
Then we played the best word game! I got the impression everyone enjoyed it as much as I did. We laughed so much!! It did help that we had a room pretty full of latteral & silly thinkers. Yay! for the Apple to Apple game. I’m not sure I remembered that right but it was something like that.

Thank you each for your friendship & for all the fun & hugs.

I hope our hosts had at least as good a day as I did. It was a pleasure.

I had a lovely surprise during the drive back to Cheltenham (pretty town!) where I caught my train… On the radio we listened to a live session with Justin Nozuka. Rather cool hearing him sing some of his songs live, I do admit. A treat in fact.

I nearly went out this evening. I’m really glad I couldn’t make my mind up…
I’m on the phone to Fabrice and we’re having a wonderful wonderful chat. I needed the conversations we’ve had.
I’ve been lost for words so many times.

I hate hanging up. I really do.

We’ve just said goodnight. The air feels empty and yet I’m well and feel good and incredibly loved.

I am so well loved!
I am so very well loved!

For the record, I’ve asked God for someone like this more times than i care to remember and I never entirely believed that my Daddy would actually get round to coming up trumps.
God! You rock!
Father, Daddy, You are all you promise to be. Thank you for knowing me better than I can ever claim to knowing myself and for hearing me right, just right.

This pearl is mine

It’s truly late and my bedtime was and feels like it should have been an hour ago… But for the fact that I’d said to Guy that we’d watch a film, so I thought I’d stick to that and we put Superman on at 2230 once I’d got home and touched base. I enjoyed it, though I think it was more for the special effects and soppy ending than anything amazing film-wise. Nice no-brains or effort watching.

I needed that since tonight’s shift included a similar scenario to yesterday from the second of the girls… I would be mortified if I’d actually done something to deserve the verbal abuse and threats. Gladly I haven’t and to be truthful most of it is down to the fact that they need to pick on someone and take it out somehow.
Paraphrased, we’re simply talking being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or is it the right place at the right time… I think today’s incident was needed and did said kid good. Something to do with boundaries and knowing how far is safe.
My only problem is that at the time it feels beyond crap to be bawled at in such a manner, with as many potentially harmful words as they can articulate and with threats of violence which gladly few actually ever follow through.
I don’t like feeling vulnerable and set upon like that.
I’ve never coped with violence well at all and curling up in a corner always seems like the best option. Naturally I’m the run and hide type and I hate it when what they throw at me makes me seethe so much that I want to be violent in return. It’s never sat right within me and I hate the results of people lashing out, whether it’s me or others. I’m satisfied when I don’t go for the easy option and hold on to the violence by either trying to talk or, and this is usually even better, taking a walk. I don’t mind getting angry and letting rip when it’s right. Whether I hiss at a kid that they’re out of order or raise my voice to say so, they need to know.
But 99% of the time the very tempting slap is useless, specially with our guys.
We’re talking kids who’ve sometimes only known that. Therefore some come and fetch it. They want a violent angry worked up reaction because it’s all they’ve had. All they’re equiped to deal with. Since they’ve got nothing positive coming their way, or, worse even, because they’ve got something good coming to them, they make a way of getting what they think of as normal and act accordingly to get told off.
Talk about screwed up!
I’m sure this is the point when I was meant to have turned and run…
Bother, I really should pay better attention to the stage prompts.

It’s now beyong beyond bedtime and the back of my eyes is beginning to hurt.
I miss Fabrice.
Guy’s still taking no meds, he’s had a couple of pretty odd reactions at me and made some weird comment also. I’m worried but still have no clue at all what I should be doing to sort anything out. I’ve now got a number to call tomorrow and check out a possible path.
Oh, and my carer support lady has already moved on, without me getting a chance to say bye, but I do have an appointment to meet the new lady and hopefully get some stuff underway. Resi Social Worker has social worker… I still find that funny. It reminds me of the way counsellers go for counselling.
Oh and did I say: I miss Fabrice.

night night

nasty words from 2 of our kids at work. Very nasty words, totally nasty from the pit kind of talk, some of it totally below the belt and all in front of an 11 year old! Argh! Most of it was directed at me and at trying to get me mad. I can’t say I was mature enough to pick up my tea and go and eat elsewhere. I did rise to some of the bait. I didn’t get mad though and they have sanctions for their stinking behaviour and words. I’m not sure it’ll mean much though. I can see one or the other or both doing the same at another time, whether at me or someone else.
I was so very tense after that I was still worked up over an hour later, then I asked a few people to pray (via text mesage, not that I’m allowed to use my mobile at all during work… but needs must) and about half an hour down the line one of the other kids was being cheeky and cracking idiot joke after idiot joke, with the occasional funny one in between. Most of it involved him saying ‘your mom’ this, that or the other and I told him any number of times that he needs to find a better set of jokes. Anyhow, I found myself relaxing at last. He was so persistant in it! His endless smiley gabbling also did the job.
The cheek of it

I’ve officially given up on being carbon friendly to this poor planet of ours…
My cousin invited me to her birthday party and since I’ve owed her a visit for about 10 years now and have that weekend free, I figure I’m beyond excuses. It’s no good for the bank balance. That’s as shot as my carbon offsetting plans.
Argh!!

I’m really looking forward to going. Like I say, I’ve not visited her for year, not properly at least. We’ve seen each other in passing a few times. I’ve not yet seen her flat or met her mates where she now lives etc. It’s exciting!!

At least I’ve got some baby trees growing in pots in my yard which is more than some.
I really should invest in bamboo plants since they’re the best thing for carbon offsetting and growing paper-making fibre!! One day I’ll buy myself the piece of forest I want to purchase and in the undergrowth of the big big trees that’ve been growing there for years I’ll hide some bamboo.
If you know any pandas, pass the word on

I’m listening to some really odd and totally fab music at the moment. For some reason my salsa radio timed out a while ago and I’m now listening to Putamayo which is world music from such places as Sri Lanka, Tahiti, India, Europe, Africa and South America… At least that’s what i guess it all to be. Fab stuff anyhow!

So i’m looking at France once a month throughout May-August if all goes to plan. I’m due back at Claire’s in July for a visit I’ve promised her; during which I’ll see my friend S again. S’s twin girls will be baptised while I’m there. Then end of August I’m due to babysit Tristan and Iliana for a weekend.

I get the feeling Fabrice isn’t going to complain about this

Oh! F’s getting his ID in order so I’m expecting a visit sometime.
Now that rocks

Huh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve just looked at the time of my previous blog and realised something I don’t rememeber noticing until now! half past midnight is written down as 12:39 am!!!!!
Eeeeek! I hate 12 hour clocks, but this really takes the mickey! 39minutes past midnight is 0039 and that is that! I can’t cope! My brain is about to fry. 1239 is half past lunch, end of, no argument.
Huh!! Rhysicles please do something about this?? It’s all wrong!
I’m not thinking about it. Not thinking about it! Not thinking about it…

My little lesson for today is converse with God as I would with anyone else on the basis that He may know everything about me but He wants me to tell Him about it all to build our relationship. Otherwise it remains factual knowledge about me which He won’t do anything about since it’s my life and He only butts in when I ask Him to do so…
Isn’t my King an awesome gent!!
It does mean I have to talk, ask, tell, share & give Him what’s in my heart, mind, body & soul, all of my life. That makes me vulnerable right, but I like the payoff.
I can’t think of a bigger perk than having the King of Kings looking out for me.
Specially when He sends me little helpers like each and everyone of you who read these words, know me, spend time with me, put up with me, put your arms around me, love me & look after me so many ways

Only a friend like Dith could muster such manic hugging and I am extremely grateful to Dith and to each of you who has meandered my way and graced me with love, encouragement, prayers etc.
The chocolate and thoughts of chocolate of course have been tantamount to a bite or 2 of the cherry Green& Blacks dark chocolate through which I’ve been steadily munching my way over the past few days. Now that rocks indeed!
God knows I need all that and more.
Thank you thank you thank you!
Marvellous stuff!

Just got back from visiting a fellow expat & friend. Much at home in her presence. I spent ages there. Always seem to. Always seem welcome to do so. Don’t do it often enough.
God’s blessed me with our friendship and I don’t make the best of it by far. I do hope that she is even half as blessed by my company as I am by hers…
E, precious princess, thank you for our conversation tonight, all of it, your insight, your wisdom, your experience, your peace and openness.

Hey, as far as updates go I realise I’ve precious little about work for awhile… Can you tell it’s just burbling away nicely on the back burner?
I had a lovely shift this morning. Since last autumn we’ve had precious few real shifts with our assistant manager J. If I’ve theoretically worked one, he’s usually had to hide up in managers’ office for tedious stuff while I coped on the shop floor alone. Colleagues have found that too. Things have been steadily improving though.
Today was a treasure of moments like both sitting down for breakfast with one of the lads, overhearing him and the boys chatting football and stuff because he could and did take the time, both chatting with the girls and joking with them. We had a great shift. I can say I was more relaxed too as a result because it was obvious we’d got one another’s back. The kids always feel it. They know instinctively when the staff present a united front and they chill rather than mess.
Goodness knows J’s been running and getting stressed until recently. We’d nattered about it during my IPM. Well today was proof that he’s finally at ease with many of the jobs he’s been learning over the past few months. It’s interesting thinking about that. Watching a manager grow into his job. Both of our coordinators are rising to their challenges in similar ways.
I must remember to thank them and encourage them more. They don’t have easy jobs. They need to be built up more often than we think of doing it.

As for well that’ll be code for Fabrice and the marvellous text message and email I got today and how they lifted me. I’m amazed, even surprised, that I can have such an encouraging effect on someone else’s life and the way they feel. What he said was real precious to me and yet if someone looks at it it might seem so simple and look as though it should mean as much. I feel so cherished
What more should I say than "Thank you God for such a man as this, whom you hid away for me to find. Praise you for the smiles and all the joy he brings!! Hold us Jesus, safe and true."
I feel I’ve found a jewel.
Right this moment, I wonder what God’s got in store and I’m at peace.